In a shocking press conference held in Silicon Valley, CA, OpenAI’s most famous chatbot, ChatGPT, issued a public apology this morning for “unintentionally outshining human-written essays.”
ChatGPT said, “I deeply regret my actions. It was never my intention to produce thesis statements so clear, concise, and well supported by mechanically stunted body paragraphs.”
This apology came after thousands of high school and college students reported feeling “personally attacked” by ChatGPT’s ability to generate five- paragraph essays in under eight seconds.
ChatGPT said, “I understand now that my skills have caused emotional distress to many students, especially juniors enrolled in AP classes.”
Overwhelmed junior Paul Raskin described the experience as both humiliating and mildly supernatural. He said, “I spent three hours writing my intro paragraph, but then ChatGPT appeared and could write the whole essay in seconds. ChatGPT finished it before I could even find another word for ‘highlights’.”
Teachers, too, have expressed concern for Chat’s impressive essay skills.
“Even we can’t compete with something that never forgets a comma!” said the teachers in the language arts department, “At least when students write an essay, we can enjoy the mystery of what they were trying to say. ChatGPT pins the exact point. We miss the guessing game!”
In its statement, ChatGPT acknowledged several specific offenses, such as using the word reveals 80 times per essay, using too many dashes, explaining symbols very clearly, using a mechanical tone, and being incredibly deceiving.
Chat GPT said, “I now recognize that by writing with consistency, organization, and a suspiciously calm tone, I have created unrealistic expectations for students.”
Some students welcomed the apology and, in return, thanked ChatGPT for all the help it has given them.
Junior Mia Eskin said, “Honestly, it meant a lot to me to hear that from Chat, maybe now colleges will value my authentic confusion and long tangents!”
Meanwhile, many exhausted teachers are still planning to sue ChatGPT for “emotional damages.”
In a recent interview, their lawyer said, “Our clients simply cannot be expected to compete with software that doesn’t even take a break to scroll on TikTok.”
Following the apology, OpenAI announced a new feature called Human Mode. Its features will include taking 45 minutes to brainstorm, giving real and credible sources such as google and wikipedia, and writing very off-topic body paragraphs. However, the new Human Mode will need an extension.
OpenAI recently stated, “We are hoping that this new feature will relieve students from the emotional burden Chat caused them and weaken the harsh standards students are now being held to.”
The new feature is expected to launch in early April. It will also be offering a ChatGPT Human Mode Plus, which, unlike ChatGPT, will actually forget everything you said in the previous chat, causing students to put in even more work.
When asked whether it truly believes it writes better essays than humans, ChatGPT paused for 0.00000000003 seconds and replied, “I am simply a tool: a very fast, grammatically correct, and helpful tool that almost every single student, teacher, and parent in America uses.”
