Resident Priest Father Christian officially joined GOA in February 2026 immediately following Presidents Day. As part of his responsibilities at GOA, he is leading all of the prayer services and offering electives during the Tefillah elective period.
With the second semester off to a surprisingly calm start, the GOA administration figured it was time for a bold new initiative. After three resident rabbis came and went within three years, the obvious solution was to install a resident priest.
Father Christian said, “I promise I won’t leave after one year like so many others.”
“We are proud to announce that we broke the record with 200 emails sent by concerned parents in under five minutes,” a representative from the front office said excitedly. “To celebrate this historic achievement, we will be placing a year-round Christmas tree at the entrance.”
Guidance and the Judaics department are experiencing pandemonium and pure chaos as students attempt to switch into Father Christian’s elective, Finding the Right Path to God.
Another part of Father Christian’s duties includes leading prayer services. Learners Minyan has officially been rebranded as Learners Mass.
Sophomore Logan Gladstone said, “I am transferring to Learners Mass for my tefillah elective. I’m loving how all the tefillah electives are new and different. Maybe next year we will have Islamic prayer!”
GOA administration announced that male students are no longer required to wear kippahs in order to accommodate Father Christian’s preferences for students.
“It is our core mission to accommodate everyone. If Father Christian is not comfortable wearing a kippah, off with them,” said the GOA student council president. “Plus, does anyone even wear kippahs anymore? I never see them, so this transition should be seamless.”
Despite these accommodations, Father Christian has appeared reluctant to accommodate some customs. During lunch on his first day, faculty members confirmed that Father Christian was seen enthusiastically enjoying a bacon egg and cheese sandwich in the Teachers’ Lounge.
Freshman Hallie Mann asked, “So he doesn’t even need to keep kosher in the building?”
Father Christian has also mispronounced at least two dozen students’ Hebrew names in his first week.
Sophomore Aeden Pinsker said, “I keep telling Father Christian that he is pronouncing my name wrong but he just doesn’t care. My name isn’t Eden, not Ed, certainly not Edith, its AEDEN.”
In response to the irritated students, Father Christian said, “I normally don’t interact with strange Asian languages like Hebrew. Who can read those crazy letters?”
GOA reassured families that their core values will remain unchanged despite the addition of a priest. Community, connection to Israel, respect and finding new Tefillah electives will remain top priorities.
