United States President Donald Trump announced to the nation in a televised address that ICE would be sent to “liberate” Greenland from the “illegal Danish aliens” who settled there hundreds of years before.
Hours later, ICE agents swept across the urban centers of Greenland in an operation titled, “Operation Promised Land.”
In the televised address, Trump said, “There is little difference between Danes who illegally colonized a place centuries ago and Latinos who have peacefully lived somewhere for a few years.”
“It seems that ICE is now shifting to some sort of anti-colonial branding,” said sophomore Remy Friedberg. “It makes sense to me that since illegal immigrants are a part of a larger movement to colonize the US, ICE would go after similar people elsewhere. And honestly, nothing stopped us from expanding into all of America, so why not Greenland, too?”
Immediately, two opposing factions developed. One was a more dogmatic group, which celebrated the deportation of the Danes. Their spokesperson said, “Unlike in the United States, it’s nice to see ICE going after people who actually committed crimes against the native people.”
The White House released a statement saying that, “This mission’s goal is to liberate Greenland from brutal Danish rule. Denmark is infamous for its brutality, similar to the brutality that Honduran children show against armed American citizens. One common example of Danish ruthlessness is Erik the Red, who ICE has launched a special mission to arrest.”
Days later, the Greenlandic Prime Minister was arrested and is in custody in New York.
“America will run the country,” said President Trump, receiving racous cheers around the world.
There has been uproar in the military, however, as senior military commanders have questioned why ICE has been used to launch an invasion of a country that is, “armed to the teeth with herring.”
One official said anonymously, “These guys barely know what they’re doing, they all fail their entrance exams and receive little training. If we’re going to go after a violent terrorist regime like that of Denmark-owned Greenland, we need the United States Armed Forces to carry out the task.”
However, the Department of Homeland Security responded, saying, “Our agents have been trained in the most effective way possible: Through real-life scenarios in the heat of battle, like arresting unarmed women and children without any criminal history.”
Sophomore Logan Gladstone said, “It’s hard to say whether Danes in Greenland, with their offensive diets, are more dangerous than Mexicans who illegally crossed the border and violently search for honest work and freedom American cities. How they’ve built lives for themselves and their families on our land is simply appalling! But I digress.”
Meanwhile, the MAGA base has been in an uproar against ICE agents who unlawfully killed two reindeer. The White House Press Secretary stated that, “In both situations, the reindeer were carrying guns, and the lives of the agents were at risk.” However, this statement was made before the official report was concluded.
In other situations, both reindeer and Danish Greenlanders have been questioned and detained by ICE agents who explained, “Your accent is different.”
King Fredrick of Denmark said in a public statement that, “The King of Denmark is the only King with the heavenly right to rule Greenland. King Trump should remain satisfied with his ever-expanding realm in the Americas.”
One geopolitical expert explained, “America could simply revise its defense treaty with Greenland to make sure that its security needs are met against any potential aggression, Russian or otherwise.”
However, this expert was found to be the saddest of the losers, and a disgrace to our constitution.
One GOA student who wished to remain anonymous said, “I was actually thinking about joining ICE. I’m a younger sibling, and I feel that I lack power or any authority. Sometimes I feel like tackling and deporting my brother.”
Denmark’s history with Greenland began in 1721, when a mission was established there, and then in 1751, when formal colonial status was established. At no time in that thirty year period did anyone question why a block of ice was called “Greenland”.
Trump initially promised to rename Greenland “ICEland”. Coincidentally, he has previously confused Greenland with Iceland. To cover for his mistake he said, “It was always going to be “Trumpland.” At his State of the Union, he said, “After we solve the great travesty of democracy, we will solve what we like to call a “Great” historical injustice that is the name Greenland.”
Some Americans have therefore argued that Danes don’t deserve Greenland if they are not smart enough to name it properly, however these outspoken Americans could not locate Greenland on a map.
There have been some proposals to use the sparsely populated Arctic landmass as a “dumping ground” for America’s illegal immigrants. Similar proposals suggested third world countries like Sudan, Libya, Wakanda, and the Gaza Strip.
When advised that Wakanda is not a real country President Trump responded, “It will be when I take over and make it the seat of my kingdom!”
